Five Election Stories FAUX News (haven't) won't Cover.

Here are Five Election Stories FAUX News have not and will not cover:

1) Katherine "Mary Kay Anonymous" Harris (R-Flordia) is running for US Senate.

Once a FAUX favorite, she's oddly MIA. Maybe because over the last several months the wheels have come off her campaign wagon largely due to her unstable personality;

Perhaps the worst blow to Harris's campaign has been the stories that have emerged from former staffers. They describe a Jekyll-and-Hyde candidate who can be seductively charming at one moment and pitch a temper tantrum the next, throwing a cellphone at a wall or a sheaf of papers at a campaign manager. Former chief adviser Ed Rollins, who managed Ronald Reagan's reelection to the White House in 1984, said working for Harris was like "being in insanity camp." He likened her staff to dogs that have been kicked. Before he became the first of three campaign managers to quit, Jim Dornan programmed his cellphone to play the theme song from "The Exorcist" when Harris called.

But more importantly, Harris is neck deep in shit and that shit's name is Mitchell Wade.

Mitchell J. Wade admitted yesterday in federal court that he attempted to illegally influence Defense Department contracting officials and tried to curry favor with two House members, in addition to lavishing more than $1 million in cash, cars, a boat, antiques and other bribes on convicted Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham (R-Calif.). Washington Post, 2/25/06

Harris is one of those members. So it came no surprise to her when trick or treaters came early.

Dan Berger and Ben McKay, who both worked for Harris in her first term and are now lobbyists in Washington, confirmed the interviews this week and said it was their understanding all congressional staff would likely be questioned. The two spoke separately to three investigators from the FBI and the Defense Department in Washington several weeks ago.

Federal authorities have subpoenaed records from Harris' U.S. Senate campaign office and have interviewed several former staffers, including senior campaign consultant Ed Rollins, campaign manager Jim Dornan and Mona Tate Yost, a congressional aide who later went to work for Wade.

2) Rep. Don "Wayne Brady" Sherwood (Pa.) is running for reelection to the House.

Is Don Sherwood gonna have to choke a bitch? Apparently the answer is yes and it will cost about $500,000 to do it.

While Sherwood acknowledged the woman was his mistress, he denied abusing her and said that he had settled her $5.5 million lawsuit on confidential terms.

The settlement, reached in November 2005, called for Cynthia Ore to be paid in installments, according to a person who spoke on condition of anonymity because the deal is confidential. She has received less than half the money so far, and will not get the rest until after the Nov. 7 election, the person said Thursday.

A confidentiality clause requires Ore to forfeit some of the money if she talks publicly about the case, according to this person and two other people familiar with elements of the case.

Sherwood, a 65-year-old married father of three who is considered a family-values conservative, had one of the safest seats in Congress until Ore sued him in June 2005, alleging he physically abused her throughout their five-year affair

On a humorous note, Bush was stumping for Sherwood on (drum roll please) ... National Character Counts Week, 2006.

You may now begin to mourn irony.

3) Rep. Bob "New Meat" Ney (R-Ohio) was running for reelection to the House.

Ney isn't actively campaigning this year but despite his conviction for bribery he has yet to resign, unlike Mark Foley.

Rep Bob Ney, first member of Congress to confess to crimes involving corrupt lobbyist Jack Abramoff, has defied House leaders by refusing to step down for now, even though he is headed to prison early next year; his Congressional office is open for business; Ney has said he would resign within 'few weeks' but wants to remain in Congress for sake of his staff; Ney, despite criminal record, will be able to begin collecting Congressional pension when he turns 62

Sen Conrad Burns (R-Montana) will soon occupy this spot since he took $150,000 from Abramoff.

4) Jim "Stumblin', bumblin', rumblin'" Gibbons (R-Nev) is running for Governor.

District Attorney David Roger said in Las Vegas that authorities have reopened their investigation into a cocktail waitress' claim that a Republican congressman running for governor assaulted her in a parking garage after a night of drinking.

Roger said the case involving Rep. Jim Gibbons — which had been closed after the waitress, Chrissy Mazzeo, dropped her complaint — is under investigation again. Mazzeo, a Las Vegas Strip casino waitress, accused Gibbons, 61, of pushing her up against a wall Oct. 13 and propositioning her.

Mazzeo said police told her several times during their investigation that they would get custody of the surveillance videos, which Mazzeo urged them to do in one of her three 911 calls to police.

The next day, she said, police told her no tapes existed. At that point, she said she decided not to file charges against Gibbons because of his powerful status. Police halted their investigation.

But the mystery surrounding what occurred continued. The parking garage is owned and managed by Crescent Real Estate Equities. Despite intense media coverage over the next two weeks and repeated phone calls from the Sun and trips to the Crescent security office, the tapes were nowhere to be found and Crescent officials refused to comment.

Then, last weekend, law enforcement sources said Crescent did in fact have the tapes and had turned them over to Metro.

The timing of the discovery of the tapes and the circumstances by which their existence became public have raised a new round of questions - which none of the principals would answer on Monday.

Have the tapes been tampered with?: Rogich Communications Group, whose chief executive, Sig Rogich, is a campaign consultant to Gibbons, has been a lobbyist for Crescent Real Estate Equities. The Rogich-Crescent link is part of a web of connections among Rogich, Gibbons, Crescent and Jones Vargas, the law firm that represents Crescent. Also, Rogich Communications is a tenant of Crescent at Hughes Center

5) Rep. Ralph Arza (R-Fla) was running for reelection for the State House.

Yes, running until he left a drunken, obscenity laced voice mail on Representative Gus Barreiro’s machine. Not content to call his colleague a bitch, Arza decide to drop the big N-bomb.

Message #1: Hey, bitch. You're nothing but a bitch. You're a bitch. You're nothing but a bitch. God Bless you, bitch.

Message #2: Hey, bitch. You ain't nothing but a bitch. You ain't nothing but a bitch, brother, my nigger.

Oh, yeah, so he got some guy to follow up with a threaten phone call and now they both been charged witness tampering and retaliation.

Go here for audio-goodness. Miami-Herald -- Arza Voice Mail Messages